Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Friday, October 9, 2009 marked the one year anniversary of my survivorship of breast cancer. It is also the day I had the last surgery associated with my recovery. I am still here and I need to tell my story because I want other women and men (Yes, men can get breast cancer) to keep the awareness in the forefront of their minds.

Self examination is important! Please make sure you know your body and be aware of things that are out of place or should not be there. This is how I found my breast cancer. Having a history of fibroid cysts in my breast, I knew what they felt like. The lump I felt this particular day was not the same. It felt different than all the others I had felt over the years. I really didn't worry because I knew all I had to was call my doctor's office for a formal exam and mammogram. This is what I did. The results of the mammogram, ultrasound and subsequent biopsy came a few days after we buried my mother. My mother died from congestive heart failure just like her mother, which a topic for another day.

I think I was in denial about the whole thing even though the mass was growing in size rapidly. Each day that I waited for my initial appointment at the cancer center I wondered if this thing could just be something that would go away. You know, "false alarm". That's not what happened. The surgeon told me that the results of the retests that they had done were inconclusive and said that he would need to immediately remove the mass because it was so big. He asked me if I could be back at the hospital the following morning. I went through the removal of the mass and was told he had removed all of the mass and some of the surrounding tissue. I went back the following week to see the doctor for lab results and that's where it all began.

I was told I did not have the normal breast cancer, but I had something called a Cystosarcoma phyllodes of the breast, which is a rare form of breast cancer. Only about 1% of breast cancer is of this nature. (Leave it to me!) Then my surgeon looked at me and said quietly, "we will need to remove your breast" since sarcomas attack fatty tissue. Now, understand that I looked over to my daughter and told her that they said I did not have breast cancer. She looked at me and said, "Momma, you do have breast cancer!". I was so calm that even my surgeon applauded me for being such a strong woman and telling me he was proud of me especially since we had just met the previous week. He sent me to see the plastic surgeon and scheduled my surgery.

My daughter went with me to see the plastic surgeon a couple of days later and I was good, so I thought. I will never forget the intern that came in and was making small talk. Then he asked me if I knew what they were planning to do or what procedure I was going to have done. I opened my mouth to speak and could not say anything. All I could do was nod my head. I kept thinking that if I did not speak it, it would not be real. He looked at me and asked me again. This is when I lost it. I felt so scared. It was real. I had cancer! I am going to lose my life and my breast!

Of course, I had that surgery and four others. The last one being on Oct 9. It has not been easy but it has been a journey. This past year has helped me to grow in ways I never knew I could grow. I'm stronger because it did not kill me but most of all I thank God for keeping me.

If I had not known what felt strange or if I had been too busy to go to the doctor or If I had been too afraid to find out the truth; I would not be here to share my story.

Please take care of yourself and listen to your bodies. Be breast cancer aware.

We Are What We Eat

Recently I visited my oncologist and he referred me to a nutritionist for assistance. It seems I have gained weight while battling breast cancer, which is a common occurrence I have been told. You would think that with all you go through weight loss would be the result, but actually it is generally the opposite. While talking with my nutritionist, I realized that now more than ever I need to change or adjust my thinking before I change or adjust my eating habits. I have done every diet or program out there with the exception of Jenny Craig and have lost a few pounds here and there. This time my weight loss is for life. I reading and researching everything on nutrition I can get my hands on along with the support of an excellent nutritionist, I intend to triumph once and for all over this weight dilemma.

I have been given a second chance at life and living it to the fullest include looking and feeling my best. Good food will always be a part of my life, I am just changing it's role. Diets are no longer a part of my life. It's what we eat that makes us what we are and I am about to become the "lean, mean" machine I was created to be. LOL. Give me time. Exercise will be the topic for another day.

Someone taught me how to eat properly. Learning from others is important when it's not working for yourself. Geri Halliwell

The ReEducation of Deborah

I have been wondering what to do with the second half of my life especially since employment is still eluding me at this time. I have researched many alternatives to just being or just living while I wait to hear from the next HR recruiter or staffing person for the opportunity to be turned down or told that some other person was a better fit for the position I applied for.

Today I was accepted into college again. I decided that reeducating myself is the best thing to do if I am to survive this economic circus that we now live in. I have set my sights on higher education and the career that I really want not the one I have to take because it's all that out there. I can't wait! The halls of academics are waiting.

I'll let you know what happens. Till then.

Moving On

Packing boxes full of items accumulated over the past year along with other items that have become dear to me has given me a reason to reflect on life's road maps.

I'm moving yet again. There have been times when the move was a welcome change full of excitement and anticipation. These moves came with all hope for a brighter day. There have also been times when the move was not what I wanted or expected. These moves came with pain, misery and uncertainty of the future. No matter which type of move it was it always added another route to my life's road map.

Tomrrow I will be in another new place physically, mentally and spiritually. As always I keep moving toward my next destination.

Communing With Nature

Recently on my way back from Louisiana on Hwy 191, I stumbled upon a wonderful surprise hidden back off the road in the woods. There was a natural wonder sitting on the banks of the Toledo Dam called the Toledo State Park.

This park is really something to see and visit with it's paved walking trails through the woods filled with pine and other trees. There were squirrels everywhere! The grounds of the park house several fairly new cabins that can be rented or campsites for your RV. In the park there is even a small beach area right on the banks of the Toledo River. It is beautiful. The park boasts a visitors center that has the greatest view of all. The visitors center contains all the information you need to know about the park including animals, types of trees and even artifacts found there. There are bridges that cross the river where people were casting their fishing lines and nets from.

As we walked the trails and watched the boats and swimmers on the beach, I could not help but think to myself, "How awsome is God to have made all of this."

Mama's Hands

It's strange that the things I remember most are the little things I took for granted like mama's hands. Mama had beautiful slender hands with long slender fingers. The kind that would be in magazine ads for lotion or jewelry. Those beautiful hands worked hard for as long as I can remember, but most of all they cooked the best food in the world.

Mama cooked with every breath of life in her. It seemed that cooking was her oxygen while her children was her life force. I remember the days when mama would bake bread, fry donuts, freeze homemade ice cream, and fry blue crabs in the back yard pit all just for us. It never stopped with her family as she made the largest popcorn balls and kool cups for all of the neightborhood kids. For anyone who don't know what a kool cup is; it's frozen concentrated "kool aid" in a cup and Mama put so much sugar in them everyone was juming around the rest of the day.

My favorite was Mama's pineapple-coconut cake. It was a snow white coconut cake with cooked icing and pineapple between the layers. Sometimes she would make them huge for the holidays. Mama even made it a wedding cake for my sister Jean's wedding. It was something to see and eat. For my son John's wedding, she made him a groom's chocolate cake decorated with people and everything. She loved to cook, especially bake.

It been more than a year now since she cooked or baked anything but it seems like only yesterday. I cherish all of the memories of my mama and pray that at least one will be passed on through the generations of her family. Like my grandmother who died before her, cooking was one of her legacies she gave to us. Her food brought us together.

Yesterday marked one year since the day my mother died. I miss her so much. I miss her hands. I love you mama.

Relinquishing Power

During a recent conversation with a family member I was reminded of a person who hurt me in the past. The mention of the person's name conjured up feelings of anger and hurt to the point of tears. I later sat in my room wondering how this person could have done the things they did to me. I sat down at my computer to check my email and discovered a weekly devotional my pastor writes once a week. The devotional talked about forgiveness and how when we don't forgive the ones who hurt us, it gives them power over us. The funny part of this is the people who hurt us goes on with their life without a mere thought of what they did, yet we hold on to the memories of hurt and disappointment.

Today I am relinquishing the power this person has over me. I am forgiving them and all others who have hurt me. I am moving forward without them as a factor of my future. If God can forgive me then who am I that I can't forgive others.